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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471515">The voice in the back of our heads</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1'>somebodysomeplace1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:08:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471515</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie is feeling insecure when him and Buck start dating because Buck is more experienced and has been with men before; Eddie feels like he might do something wrong and Buck reassures him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The voice in the back of our heads</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie thinks that it’s not reasonable to feel this way. The thought that maybe he is doing everything wrong, or that maybe this is not what he wanted. He doesn’t really know. But what he does know is that he likes Buck. And that deep, dark voice in the back of his head that keeps on shouting at him, makes him unsure of his feelings; not knowing how to address them.</p>
<p>When Eddie is sat on Buck’s bed- back being pressed up against his chest so that he can feel the warmth radiating off of his boyfriend’s body- he tries to push all of those thoughts down; to be forgotten. Truly trying his hardest.</p>
<p>“What do you want to eat?” Buck asks as he starts to untangle his limbs from Eddie and get up from his bed.</p>
<p>“I don’t know.” Eddie shrugs in response; his eyes not quite meeting Buck’s as he forces a smile</p>
<p>Buck furrows his eyebrows at him, not knowing where this shift of emotion is coming from. “You don’t know?” he echoes</p>
<p>Eddie hums in response not really knowing what to say.</p>
<p>When he doesn’t reply, Buck takes a seat back down on the bed beside him, bumping shoulders as they always do to know that the other one is there.</p>
<p>“Eddie.” Buck whispers- trying to get Eddie’s attention. As he starts to look up and train his attention on him, Buck continues. “What’s going on?”</p>
<p>Eddie shrugs again. “Nothing.”</p>
<p>Buck is now looking at him with a knowing look in his eyes. He knows that Eddie is lying- always has.</p>
<p>“Did something happen?”</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head.</p>
<p>Looking down at Eddie’s hands, Buck places it over his. “Please Eddie. I wanna help.” he assures</p>
<p>“It’s stupid.” he admits</p>
<p>“There’s almost nothing that you would say that could possibly be stupid.”</p>
<p>Eddie sighs- looking back down at his hands.</p>
<p>“Do you think I’m not good enough?”</p>
<p>The question takes Buck by surprise. He starts to remove his hands from Eddie’s and shuffles closer to him on the bed; still facing him.</p>
<p>“Where is this all coming from?”</p>
<p>Eddie starts to open and close his mouth. Trying to think of the best possible way to answer the question.</p>
<p>“I guess I just wanted to know.”</p>
<p>Buck raises an eyebrow at him. “Why would you ever think you’re not good enough?” he asks curiously “You have an amazing team, a wonderful son-”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I meant.” Eddie interrupts</p>
<p>“Then what do you mean?” Buck asks after a beat</p>
<p>Eddie tilts his head up- looking at the ceiling. He knows that the voice in his head is probably wrong, but there’s also a part of him that wants to know the answer as well.</p>
<p>“Do you like me?”</p>
<p>“Of course I do.” Buck says with a smile on his face “I always have.”</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head. “Like, do you like being with me?” he corrects</p>
<p>“Yes.” Buck says as he leans back on his elbows</p>
<p>It stays silent for a moment. Neither of them knew what to say.</p>
<p>“‘Cause like, I know I’m not as experienced with this-” Eddie gestures vaguely around them</p>
<p>“With what- guys?”  Buck tries to fill in</p>
<p>Eddie nods his head yes. It’s stupid of him to ask- he thinks. But it’s been on his mind for forever.</p>
<p>“What does being inexperienced have anything to do with me liking you?” Buck whispers, wanting to know more</p>
<p>“Maybe you feel as though we are taking things too slow.” he starts “As though I’m holding you back from someone else.”</p>
<p>Buck sits back up on the bed.</p>
<p>“Eddie, do you think that I care if you’ve been with a guy before or not.”</p>
<p>“Sometimes.” Eddie admits</p>
<p>“Why?” Buck asks curious</p>
<p>“You’ve been with other men in the past, so maybe you think that I am not like them.” he replies “Makes me think that maybe I don’t know what I’m doing.” Eddie finishes as his eyes start to well up</p>
<p>“Hey, hey.” Buck says as he starts to wipe at Eddie’s eyes “I do not think of you like that.”</p>
<p>Eddie tilts his head up to lock eyes with Buck.</p>
<p>“Yes. I’ve been with guys in the past but that doesn’t mean that I’ll think of you as any less just because you have not.” Buck assures him</p>
<p>Eddie smiles up at him, which in return makes Buck smile too. </p>
<p>“Okay.” Eddie whispers as he leans into his chest</p>
<p>“I love you.” Buck starts “I would love you whether or not you liked it and even if you tried to tell yourself that I wouldn’t because of who you have or have not been with still wouldn’t matter because I enjoy being with you.”</p>
<p>Buck can’t see it right now, but Eddie's eyes start to well with tears again. This time however, they are happy tears. Tears of relief, knowing that that voice in the back of his head was just another thought; a thought that is not there anymore.</p>
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